Friday, May 3, 2013

12:39am

Currently in the truck. On an hour+ ride to Buckberry Lodge to drop off posts for a railing install we're to begin tomorrow at 8:30am. Just finished them.. I won't go in to how we got to that point.. When we leave we have to clean Chad's father's condo, another 'last minute' moment sprung upon me, he has guests coming in the morning. When we get home we have to glue together the "ladder" rails (11 of them) then load them, along with all our tools into the truck.... What time will it be? Will she get any sleep.....?

I had a heart to heart with my brother the other day.. It's been awhile... He cried. He was drunk. He always cries if you get all deep with him when he's drunk.. Guess I'm guilty of that myself.. Either way, it was nice. Kim was at work and I was alone, so it was just the two of us. Which allowed us to say things we wouldn't typically say in their company.. I learned a lot about where he's at in his head, and I think it's a good place. So long as he means his disclosures and he's not just saying them to rationalize his way of thinking at times... (this makes sense to me) The tears were for me though. Which was weird. He said he could see a separation in body language, gestures and communication between Chad and I. He all but blatantly 'begged' me to fix it... I didn't realize how important it is to him that we're happy.





1:44am


Post stacked neatly to the side of the gate. Condo Ho ..


Remember that dream I talked about? The one where I was at sound check for HURT... Well guess what I'm doing on Tuesday! No kidding. I'm going to the venue in Knoxville at 2:00, the one HURT will be playing in that night, and meeting with 9 other lucky fans to watch them set up.. And I am just over the moon excited!! If anything tries to ruin my day I will just.. ugh! I have LITERALLY dreamed of this day :) I've always wondered what runs they practice with, do they make changes to the set list then or is it planned ahead of time.. and a bunch of other random irrelevancies. So I'm crazy stoked. Just be happy for me. Don't try to reason it out. I know how lame I sound. #sheep






2:57am


Condo clean. Pretty certain the previous tenant was either a single mother of an older child or a single gay man with an older child.. the tags on the throw pillows were sticking out, so if I had to choose, I'd say the mom. But the place was maybe cleaner than when they arrived. Which made our lives MUCH easier! So a huge "thank you" to whomever just stayed.
Now an hour drive home to glue... Think I'll catch a nap this trip..






7:15am


On our way back to Buckberry. We decided not to glue up the rails but rather design a system to where we could do it there efficiently. Then we loaded the truck with the remaining sticks and all the supplies we need, then threw a little love the way of personal hygiene. We had about 15 minutes to sit on the couch and chill before leaving. I put my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes... And could feel everything from my head to my feet, throbbing.






8:42am


Sitting in the parking lot waiting on the maintenance man to come unlock the gate... LAME! I hate when I go out of my way to be punctual then have to sit and wait on someone else. Let's get this show on the road buddy!!






4:05pm


Back in the truck. Railing all but installed. The very last section needs to be 6" shorter and there's no way to do that here. So we have to go home, fix it, and come back. *sigh* I think we'll wait till Sunday so we can make better support blocks at the same time and add those when we come back too. The outer panels of the deck we put this on needs some love and I don't trust it entirely to support the posts.




5:07


Gonna eat for the first time since that reheated cheese burger I had around midnight last night. Chinese buffet.. look out!




5:58pm


Ate. Leaving Lowes. So sleepy...
Conversation just had:
Chad - It's funny Lowes has a mailbox in their parking lot.
Me - We should mail them a letter.
Chad - Says, 'Hi, I noticed you had a mailbox."
Me - Get one back, just reads, "Thanks."




Yaaa it's safe to say we need a nap... I'm a filthy hot mess...






6:22pm


We're home!


-Showered, made a few needed calls, sent a proposal for a mural in Cedar Rapids, and crashed. HARD. Around 10:00pm. Total time between sleep; 38+ hours ..I'm too old for this shit.




Today has been a whirlwind of cleaning up and planning the following week, which is why I'm just now posting this. Tomorrow now looks like rain all day, so no final install. *sigh* I think instead we'll visit my brother. Make him dinner. I've got brownies in the oven for him right now :) The remaining work at the lodge will have to wait till Monday.. Which the owner is completely cool with, thank God. He loves the result of our work so he isn't sweating the small stuff. #we're awesome

First world problems I suppose

When I was young, pubescent years.. not sure of the exact age, my parents did the coolest thing ever. They told us (my brother and I) that each of us could pick a destination and we would go there for vacation.. within reason and within the United States. My brother wanted to stay on a dude ranch, I wanted to see the Grand Canyon, Mom wanted to see Vegas and Dad the Hoover Damn. So we drove to Arizona and spent about a week on a ranch. We rode horses all day, ate the most incredible homemade southern food, slept in a covered wagon under the stars... it was amazing. When we left there we went to the Canyon and rode Mules to the bottom, slept in a camp next to the Colorado river, had a very rustic breakfast the next morning then rode back up. I'll never forget how blue/green the river was on the way down ..and how brown from a storm the following day. Or the nasty rattlesnake that looked me in the face when I invaded his shade tree! *chills* Between destinations we stopped in Sedona, an abandoned ghost town, and other attractions along the way. We saw the Hoover Damn. Took a guided tour through it and saw how it all operates. Aaaand we went to Vegas..
Vegas, for me, was a life changing experience. I loved the lights and old Las Vegas and Circus something (the casino with an arcade upstairs for kids), the tigers!! But I was at a very impressionable age and had no idea what that city.. um.. 'offered'. I was shocked and disgusted by all the porno cards plastered around the city. These girls in those vulgar (and embarrassing) poses covering bus stops and side streets. People pushing them into your hands as you're walking by. KIDS! Shoving them in MY hands as I walk by..... I'm seeing all of this for the very first time ....with my Father to my left and my brother to my right. And it changed me. It made me a better person inside. Fighting back tears just walking down the street because my mother and father were so excited to be there. Leaving the hotel room! All I wanted to do was stay in that room.. But I would be brave for them. And I never would have experienced 0 gravity if I would have stayed in! :) So I'm glad I did. I also realized at that time that I would never, could never, be one of those girls. I made a vow that I would never allow myself to fall into a position where that would even be considerable.. But I also lost a lot of pride. I felt like everyone could see through my clothes now. Now knowing there is little use for an imagination... I mean, once you've seen every single inch of every single body type it's pretty easy to figure out what MY blouse is hiding... ya know? I lost a lot of respect for my body then too. Because I also realized... I didn't look like most of them. The pretty ones anyway.... And I don't blame anyone for this. I don't need help with it. There's no one to blame and I get it. I was naive, my parents unaware of its extent.... I'm only bringing this up for one reason:

We spent 10 days in PA.. Which was great but when we left, I was definitely ready to go. There's only so much time you (I) can spend away from your (my) bed. The reason we went there was for my girlfriend's 30th birthday. Only comes once, right.. We met her and about 12-14 other people for dinner before going to the bar where her older brother's band was playing. Dinner was great.. in fact the whole night was great, short of the few things I'm about to bitch about. Funny how that works. No one talks about the good things... I catch myself falling into that lately. And it bites. But anyway, she tells us between the two that she has a stack of cards from Vegas to hand out as party favors.. Lovely *sigh* But it's her night so whatever. Little did I know that stack meant about 5-6 decks of cards! She handed them out to everyone! People she knew and those she didn't. They ended up all over the room. Like my worst memory ever just puked all over the room.
I had asked her when she brought them up not to give any to Chad (who spent most the entire night out in the truck on the phone.. 4 times, no less than an hour each) but she handed him 3 while he stood beside me. Even held one up and made reference to his fantasies. It was an image of a girl squatting over another girls face. Nothing left to the imagination.. To say I was uncomfortable would be an understatement. But... her night. Whatever. I'm a big girl now.
We end up outside to get some air. (The crowd was overwhelming and there was a break in JK's set) Chad walks up and she asks him for a kiss, puckering her lips. When he declined she says, "well kiss on this.." lifted her skirt, bending past her knees and shook her ass in my husband's face! In a g-string! And I........ I still have no words for what went through my mind or body... 
Everyone has a code. A morality code. A line they would never cross. And in my eyes, the key to a working relationship between any two people is understanding where their line is, and never crossing it. She crossed my line. Spit right in it's face while I stood there watching. And I Stood. There. And what's worse... I can't honestly say I hold it against her! I saw her twice more before we left and everything was as perfect as it usually is with her. I love her. I GET her! I know exactly why she did it, though she may have no idea that I do. But that doesn't mean I'm not completely devastated that she did.

My parents went snowboarding (skiing) with us while we were there. My Uncle (mom's bro), Aunt and cousins live near a ski resort and 3 of the 4 work there. (The other will when he's old enough, I'm sure of it) It was fantastic. Exactly what I needed. I forgot about everything else in my life for those few days and just smiled from the heart and enjoyed the company.. I wish I had opertunities to do things like that more often. 
The rents went at it full force. With the right attitude. And even though they both wiped out a few times, they enjoyed themselves and even want to do it again next year. Which just blew me away! To me they're not old. I guess because they're my parents.. or maybe because I know I'm right behind them and don't want to admit that I'M old! But I do realize that most people their age are not LEARNING how to ski! Most people their age who have been skiers are giving it up.. So I'm just so proud, again, to call them mine.

I ran into a lot of people, while I was home this time, who I haven't seen in quite awhile. It was nice to see a lot of them. Some are exactly what I expected, others.. not so much. Mostly in a good way though. I saw a guy at the bar (birthday party) who I used to think was the biggest, chauvinist, tool in high school. He approached me with manors. Asked how the family was. We talked music and memories then he gave me my space. Before leaving he approached me again to say it was nice to see me. Kissed my hand, being respectable to Chad, told me I was more lovely than he ever could have imagined, and wished me well.... I was shocked! There IS hope for men in this town! After a guy I look at like my baby brother nearly motor boated me in greeting, then that creep purposely brushed against me each and every time I walked by.. I was a little worried the men of my generation, stuck in my hometown anyway, had really gone to shit. 


Night
xx

Failed attempts

The last time I wrote I had said I was about to leave town for the weekend to spend time with my girly... Well, it never happened. We left, got about half way to our meeting point (where chad would leave me with her and we would travel the rest of the way together) and our truck started to jerk forward then the engine died. Just quit completely on the interstate. After a lot of headache, and a wonderful father, we found that when we filled up that morning we got water in our gas tank. When the water (which does not mix with gas) would go through the motor, it would stall. So anyway, we had to turn around and come home to get the car. This would have had her sitting at a truck stop for nearly 3 hours, but she was willing to do so. Then we get to the house, switch vehicles, and drive to the end of our street. Now, I should probably mention there was a horrible ice storm going on at this time and everything, I mean literally EVERYthing, was shelled in ice within minutes. At one point I felt like the guys on deadliest catch, as we broke a layer of ice off the outside of our vehicle, drove for 10-20 minutes (to that gas station), then had to do so again...

Chad brought this in the bedroom to show me... It's (kinda obviously) our side view mirror

So now we get to the end of our street and start the curve, which isn't really a 'sharp turn', and slide completely off the road into our neighbors yard *sigh* at which point I started to cry and called Jamie to cancel our trip. So she had to turn around and drive back home into worsening weather up north. Spent 5+ hours in the car, driving through blizzard like snow, for no reason.





I hardly slept last night. Remember looking at the clock at all hours of the night.. When I finally did drift off to sleep I had one of the most incredible experiences of my life! (all in a dream.. go figure) I was at a show, a HURT show of course, and for unknown reasons I was way early watching them set up. Just sitting back, quietly, watching them do their thing and anticipating the evening. Then as they were doing sound check I crept up to the stage and semi-silently begged Rek to play his part in 'Letters From Nowhere' (LOVE. THIS. SONG! And for some INSANE reason they didn't release it on the album so there's absolutely no chance I'll ever hear it played live.) Rek's part is my favorite throughout the song and I just wanted a taste of it. Just a short solo... Eventually the batting lash junk worked and he started strumming out his part. Then Victor (drums) caught on and chimed in. The next thing I knew they were all out playing for me :) J's beautiful voice echoed throughout the building. And I was singing along.... then realized everyone in the place could hear me clearly singing along.... then realized I didn't care.... then realized I had to be dreaming and immediately woke up. :( Just like that. But then I sat there smiling, because I knew why I had the dream. I had it for the exact same reason I couldn't sleep! Because today I was going to meet Brent Smith and Shinedown. SHINEDOWN!! Meet them! Shake their hands and tell Brent his vocals are so outstanding and I'm in complete awe of his range. And their new title track has become one of my most favorite songs ever....... Reason being; it makes me feel the way I do when I watch HURT play... Sort of ironic a Shinedown song can 'take me to' a HURT show, but it does. When I'm there, watching HURT, I forget about every. single. thing. in my life and just..... listen. Fall so hard into their sound that I can almost see it in front of me. Feel it around me. Like a natural trip. I float away into their beautiful melodies... and nothing else matters. My true colors shine like nowhere else because I let my guard down completely. To the point it takes about 3 hours or more after I leave to collect myself entirely. I expose my soul to the world. "This is me. I am loved. I am beautiful. I'm invincible. Powerful! I am everything I am not on the outside..." There's nothing in this world quite like it. For me anyway. Like I said, I suppose it sounds like a trip and I imagine tripping would feel rather similar. But I've never dabbled there and can't confirm any of that. Never will. For ME, there's nothing quite like it. When this song comes on, I don't care who's around, I will throw my arms out to my sides and twirl like a 14 year old girl with a crush... It sweeps me off my feet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=4_Cuw0E1tqQ

So I was up half the night in anticipation. Drifted off to a glorious dream and woke with a smile. I'm early getting dressed, had time to brew some coffee and shake off the night.... but I can't find their damn album! I was going to have them sign it... because it's A SIGNING for *^$# sake! *grr So I figure I'll just purchase another when we get there. It's not their BEST album, but there are a few gems on there and I'll support it.. again. And surely there will be a supply of Merch at a signing, right? Right?? Wrong. We get there and there isn't a single poster, T-shirt, album... NOTHING. Sold out and we're 30 minutes early! But as we're standing there, so very close yet they're still hiding out somewhere, I tell Chad I no longer care. I just wanted to shake his hand. That's all! That's why I was there, really. To shake his hand and try to tell him, without sounding like a tool, that he's crazy talented and I respect his art. All of them! But mostly Brent. His song with Apocalyptica is actually my favorite.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=e5O90uzvUA4

And if you really watched that (and enjoyed it) here's the second half. This is Lacy from Flyleaf. She makes an appearance at the end of the previous video. If I could simply look like anyone in the world, it would be her. I think because she is the complete opposite of me and I'm down on myself like that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=BprFgPCYiNw

So we're standing there, feeling like morons being the only ones without something for them to sign, and decide to run down the street to another record shop to purchase SOMETHING related to the band. (it's Sunday) After 3 closed shops a Target and a Walmart both sold out of their album, an hour and 1/2 later, we now realize we're half way across town. It would take another 30 minutes to get back, the opposite direction of our next destination, and cutting into it's time. Plus now I don't know how long the line will be or if they'd still let us in.... And I still don't have anything for them to sign... So we gave up and went on.........

Chad asks, as I'm fighting back tears, why every time we try to do something just for me, it always falls apart. And ya know, I would LOVE to know the answer to that! I really don't do much for myself. I don't excessively shop. Don't even own a credit card to do so if I wanted to. I've never been to a spa. I do my own hair. Buy makeup maybe once a year. Only go out when I'm home with the exception of the few shows we can afford as they come into town... But yet when I do allow myself to get really excited about something, get a little dressed up and put on the perfume I baby so I don't have to buy more... = shit. About 85% of the time. It's so unfair.

I'm sad today.

Random thoughts from the road

I'm in the truck right now, on the way to Chattanooga again. Sure wish this place was a little closer. Seems we're here all the time.. Which is a good thing.. I guess. The reason we come is because there's a young couple here with their lives a little straighter than ours who order from us all the time. The funny thing is, they're jealous of our lives. Ha. It blows my mind how many people tell me they're envious of us... when I'm secretly envious of them. Guess that's the whole "grass is greener" thing.
It's so strange when you hear what others think of you or say about you. The conclusions they've drawn about your life on the tiniest bit of info they have... The scary part is the amount people can assume! One of my girlfriends came over the other day, alone for the first time. Reason being, her husband doesn't allow her out of his sight for too long. And if you knew her... Well anyway, she's telling me about this therapy session they were at the night before and she proclaims that the reason she was able to hang with me that night is because the therapist finally put together that the 'friend' she talks about and the 'friend of hers' that her husband talks about are the same person... ME! From what she says I am this passionate, headstrong, business woman who works like a dog for very little because that's the life the man I love wants to lead. But when her hubby speaks of me I'm some free spirited hippie chic with little responsibility and frivolous with my relationship.... ?? Her husband knows that I'm always at her beckon call if she needs me and that my husband allowed me to go out of town for a week and follow around a band I love, which he would NEVER consider letting her do! "Married women just don't do that." She knows the side of me that's always exhausted and busy and running in circles carrying this business that's been running 9 years this April. The truth of the matter is I am a passionate, headstrong business woman with a hippie heart and free spirit. So there... I guess. Opinions are like assholes.

Last night I asked Chad to help in the kitchen by making a rue. I showed him how, he's seen me do it 100 times, so I just let him go. I was making Gnocchi, which is a process you don't break from, and figured he could handle it. Next thing I know he's putting it in the Bullet (blender), not what i asked, and before I can open my mouth I've been shot in the face with scalding hot liquid and Chad's dancing around, dripping and cussing. Worst part!.. he started it up on the bar between the kitchen and living room so he could see the game. So now gravy has covered both rooms. The bar (including the laptop and papers for taxes) stool and tables we just brought in from the shop for today's delivery, the couch, carpet, wood floor, coffee table, ceiling, ceiling fan, and of course the two of us.... *sigh* Who needs kids..

I just watched a video of a man singing his heart out on stage while a bunch of jerks in a bar spoke loudly around him like he wasn't even there. And what he was playing he doesn't play often... if ever. They had no idea the gift he was giving them. And it irritated me to the point I wished I had been there. To storm up on that stage, grab the mic and scold those assholes! ... Ha! Could you see that? 5'nothin shouting at a few hundred people, "Shut the f*^# up and show some respect to this man! Are you not here for this!? Is this not why you paid to get in!? " / Cut to getting my ass kicked. I had enough liquid courage to speak my mind at a show once. A POE concert.... And my roommate nearly ended up with a concussion.......... CRISCO! Lord I haven't thought of that in a very long time. We called the guy Crisco.... *sigh* Not to his face!! After the fact! ....Never mind.

It's fun when you actually sneeze the way it's pronounced in conversation. (Ya that just happened) When my grandfather yawns, he's all, "Ho Ho Ho hum" every. Single. Time. It's adorable. I'll miss that when he's gone........

I'm leaving Friday to go to Norfolk for the weekend!! Again :) It's become my favorite place in the off seasons. My gf, Jamie, and I are going to see the Broadway rendition of American Idiot. The musical by Green Day. We're staying in a suite on the beach with a heated pool and sauna then driving the 20 mins or so into town for the show... Oh I can't wait! Just to get away and relax for the weekend. Clear my head......

Okay, we're here. Nice chatting with.. me.

Thanksgiving

What a beautifully exhausting day. *sigh* I don't think I have ever missed my mother so much in all my life! We woke late and I still had tons to do before driving an hour to my brother's house. We arrived a half hour late which threw off my entire day. And if you know anything about me you can imagine how happy I was about that. {insert grr face} My sister in-law recently had hip surgery so I knew she wouldn't be any help, but the boys were a huge let down today. On my own entirely (including prep at home) I prepared one HELL of a glorious meal! Turkey, homemade gravy, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, peas (Chad *rolling eyes*), stuffing, croissants, chocolate eclairs, two pumpkin pies, Chocolate hazelnut brownie bites, cinnamon rolls and two gallons of punch. All (exception croissants) were made from scratch, fresh ingredients Everything. From the herbs to the beans, even squeezed my own lemons and oranges into the punch! .............And it was delicious :) Not just blowing sunshine up my own ass, it seriously was spectacular and I'm rather proud of myself.

<- My bird :)

I didn't expect much, if any, help preparing the meal but thought for sure I'd have help packing the leftovers... Breaking down the turkey, finding tupperware, a 'who eats dark meat' sorta thing...... *sigh* My brother did tell me to leave every dish in (on, over) the sink and he would take care of them. But that's because we called Momma Bear on speaker and she told him it was the least he could do. (Love her!)

After a huge meal we left them to nap and went to my girl, Holly's house to attempt to eat another meal with her family. My sweet potatoes (Boston Market's copycat recipe) were a huge hit all around and the kids loved the desserts... which pleases me. I love when kids tell me I'm awesome :)

We put the kids down and shared some wine Robert's uncle made. Then the neighbor lady stopped by, sloppy drunk. She kissed the top of my head before leaving, telling me she could "just watch me for hours" cuz I'm adorable.... Which was definitely one of the creepier moments in my life. Especially when the boys offered to get me a wheel and a dribble bottle.

All in all a good day. But I really did find myself missing the rents a lot harder than I thought I would. And not just cause mom would be a HUGE help in the kitchen.... There are just some days I really miss their faces and this was one of those days. I WILL be home for Christmas though!!!!! She's just gonna love the menu <-(sarcasm) Since we've been alone for the Holidays the past few years I've treated my man with some pretty elaborate meals. And now we've created a sort of tradition - Christmas eve, Venison steak in red wine chocolate sauce. Christmas day - Beef Wellington. Chad has fallen madly in love with my Wellington and refuses to spend a Christmas without her.. (yes, he calls it 'her'. Guess that's what they do when they're in love) But I'm certain my parents have never even tried it before.... Sooooo maybe we'll repeat this amazing bird then too. It's Ramsey's recipe! (I'm a total recipe stealer... I'll post the link so you can be too) I'm telling you, it was the best poultry I've had in this lifetime and those who shared it agree with me. And the gravy!!! LORD the gravy! Very highly recommend giving it a go.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5PFXhdfVT8

Early Goodbye's

(yesterday)

My landlord stopped over. We bs-ed for a bit, then he says how he's tried to 'help like family' while we've been here, he would love to carry our work once we're closed and if there's anything else he could do...... It was touching and rather sad. He said he'd miss us and I'll miss him too. And his wife, their son, grandson and that cute little dog!!

Then Candy man's wife comes over. Asks if the rumors are true and we're really leaving. I confirmed that for her and she pouted, told me how beautiful our work is and how much we'll be missed. Then as she walks out her husband, Candyman in the flesh *grins* comes in and hardly says a word. He's usually pretty chatty, but this time it was a lot of long pauses. Awkward silence. He too expressed he's not happy we're leaving. Thanked me for all the little things we've done (fixing his door, the electrical issues, being there for them when he was robbed, the trades/barters..) Said we'll be greatly missed.

Now I'm starting to get bummed!!!! ... Just as 'Chatters', what I call the lady artist out back, peeks in to tell me they're leaving to set up a show that runs through the 2nd of December, so this is goodbye. Her Frenchman husband then stops to say goodbye in his super cool accent and she gets tears in her eyes, thanking me, again, for helping her son find a job and taking her around when their car broke down and little shit like carrying stuff to her car and lending a drill.... I now realize these people are REALLY torn up over this! A lot more than I am!! I knew they'd miss us but... Damn. I guess I've been looking at all the bright outcomes that could manifest from this decision, not so much what I'm leaving behind.............. At least that was until carver Chris walked in. The one 'goodbye' I was expecting today.....


(me first)
So how was your trip?
Good. Made some money. Got laid. Didn't get arrested.. Hungry?
Starved.
Yours?
Fantastic! Spent too much money. Saw all my favorite people.. Didn't get arrested.
Your girlfriend's cute. I liked the photo.
She is! Oh I love her so....
Think she'd let me draw her naked?
No... And before you ask, I won't either.
Damn! .... I'm gonna miss you Little Bit.
I'll miss you too, Chris. But it's not like I'll never see you again. We'll be around.
No. No you won't. And even if you are, I'd almost rather never see you again.
Why on earth would you say that?!
The same reason I have friends from long ago I never want to see again. My very best friends that still, to this day, mean the world to me.
It would never be the same....
Exactly. Now I have all those perfect memories of them that I get to keep with me and hold onto... If I saw them again they would be different. And they might remind me of the little things maybe I didn't necessarily like about them. Those things I have forgotten by now. I have 'memories' that even I know aren't exactly how those moments played out. But that's how I choose to remember them.
Like selective memories. I tell my brother he's done that with his ex. He remembers her as being so perfect but has forgotten all the times she broke his heart.
Exactly...... Have you ever shared a moment with someone that was just so perfect that right there in that moment you heard yourself say, "Nothing will ever be this perfect again. I'll remember this moment forever." Something brief. Insignificant almost.....
Handing this guy his pen back....
Okay. Why?
*sigh* Because I thought I saw in his eyes that he wanted me to stay....... So I left.
Why?
Because I wanted that to be the last thing I saw.
To keep it with you. That perfect moment.
Right.
And you've seen him since. Has that ever returned?
No.
So now don't you wish that was the last time you saw him?
No.
Why not?
Because, though it will never be the same, I would rather make new memories then cling to one brief instance that I don't even know was real.
I suppose that's where you and I differ then.
So have you and I shared a moment that was unforgettable?
Oh plenty!
Well if you would have walked away after the first, then the others never would have happened..... Wouldn't you rather have shared the multitude than one brief instance?
Yes, but I see you most every day. It's different when time passes.... I think you've missed my point.
I think I'm making excuses for you to find reason to see us again! I don't want this to be goodbye.
It's not. I'll be back from Florida the 28th. We'll spend the 29th together. I won't be here the 30th. I can't watch you guys move everything out of the shop. I've shed enough tears in your presence....... Think I'll spend that day at home remembering the times we've all shared in my own way.
Creating your selective memories.
Right.
So what are you blocking out? What little things do I do that piss you off?
Well.... for instance this piece of shit you're working on here. What the hell is this supposed to be?
It's an A-frame! In the woods.. by a lake... you're cruel.
No, I'm honest. It looks like shit and you need to start over. You're basing your design off a simple, 3 color, image and you went and detailed the hell out of it! It's muddied because you're trying too hard ............and you can tell you don't really care.
It does look sorta dreadful, huh?
Terrible. Start over and take your mind out of it. Just let the brush do the work and don't over think it. You over think everything.
I'll miss your brutal honesty.
No you won't.
Yaaaaa, not so much.
I'll miss your robotic structure... Your efficiency.
Ha! The lady ringing my groceries yesterday told me I was the most efficient transaction of the day even considering I had the most items. I put heavy shit in front, then boxes, deli, breads...
Nothing half assed. Everything complicated.
Not complicated! ... Efficient. :-P But speaking of complicated, you promised to share your poem before you left. Guess now is as good a time as any......
*eh heh hem*
Some say I've lost my mind.
Shadows in the darkness. Seeing but I'm blind.
Always.
Always looking behind.
Am I running to or from
An illusion of reality in my head.
What if I wake, to find that I am dead?

-long pause-

But aren't you killing yourself slowly by living this way?
.........I see it too. *tear* I'm leaving now. Don't you dare say goodbye to me. I'll see you the 29th... Love you Little Bit.
Love you too, Chris.


As I was closing up shop that guy I went off about on FB (the mooch that calls Chad my "boyfriend") came by. Said he was kicked out of where he was staying so he's heading to Alabama. He started to get emotional too and told us we are the only people he's met in this town over the past 2 1/2 years that he's gonna miss. (And I can't freaking stand the guy!! We high fived when he left!) But we were kind to him and let him be HIM even though he drove us nuts. And that's all people really want.. A little respect. "Res-pect, find out what it means-" /sorry

I still have John and Billy to let go of :( I'll miss them so very much.. Also goodbye's need said to Sandy, Fred and Reba, Ed, Dick, the girls at the leather shop and the crazy jewelry guy..... *sigh* I wasn't prepared for this yet. I'm overwhelmed now and what has been so exciting for me .....sorta sucks :'(

Since I've been home..

We met this hippie guy who talks a lot like I do.... Like in circles with random heavy words that just confuse people. (He won me over with 'proliferating') He's had a store in the Mountain Mall on the main strip for 18 years. Just closed the doors. Which proves to me that we're making the right decision in closing up shop. We discussed doing shows together because his work and ours compliment each other so well. And he taught me that 9 mile canyon in Utah is actually about 30 miles long... I realize that's random, but a cool little factoid.
I met his wife for a brief moment too. She's very lovely. And she makes these Alice in Wonderland chess sets that are so BadAss I can't even begin to describe them with any justice. And they have the most beautiful baby girl............ *sigh*
She invited us to this little "art swap" they host. It's sorta 'dirty Santa' where you draw a number and choose what you want, then those after you have the opportunity to steal what you chose.. I'm so down with that! A night around a campfire, moonshine, like minded company, art.... I'm in!

I know I said my head was straight, but I still find myself caught up in Chad's complete lack of ambition, attention span of a toddler, and total disregard for responsibility. I love him. Good God I love him!! But we had another "fight". Which plays out like this; I state why I'm pissed, he apologizes (barely listening) with no intention of changing anything, we don't speak for awhile then let it fade away.... No resolve. Ever. Something nearly identical will happen again tomorrow and I get to chose whether or not it's worth complaining about or just let it go... I don't ask for much, just a little help. Taking a box (I had previously packed) to the store before I get home isn't too much to ask over the course of FIVE DAYS.... He took the time to walk it from the front door to the back room, but not to the car. 'Cause he "forgot what I wanted him to do with it" I reminded him more than once before I left, stuck a f#@^*$g post-it to the top of the box!!!!! And sat it by the front door......... It's like he doesn't even try to be creative with his excuses anymore. He just doesn't listen or make any attempt to contribute. Just does whatever the hell he wants with complete disregard.
Now, I have friends all over this beautiful country with "real" problems. Spouses cheating, with addictions, going through rehab, abusing them, leaving them in the middle of the night.. And I'm complaining aboooouut... what? I know this, yet I can't shake this depression and this anger and can't for the life of me find my smile here anymore...
The other day a man said to me, "You're waaay too easy to get along with." And you know, he's right! On a much deeper level than he even realizes.... I'm a total push over. I recognize this as a huge personality flaw.. But of all people you would think my husband wouldn't take advantage of that....

Other than that, same ol' same. Someone called me "Darlin'" in the most sarcastic manner yesterday and that made me smile at random points throughout the evening.... Which was nice. And I'm missing my friends!!! Our inside jokes, their smiles and the way they wrap me up in their arms like I'm so precious to them <3 I can't remember the last time I was held as much as I was last week.... It was so nice to feel love. I have the greatest friends on earth! And I know I'd be a lot happier if I were able to be closer to them. I only hate Tennessee when I think of them. *sigh* Which is all the time..... And now I'll leave you with a very true statement from one of the greatest television shows ever. (I think a lot of people I know could learn something from this): "Emotions get in the way of judgment.. You ascribed meaning to something that wasn't there. You saw what you wanted to see. You believed what you wanted to believe. Because that's what your emotions do... They fool your perception as to what is real." - Fringe, Observer