Body Image

I have such horrible image issues. I think everyone that knows me knows it.. but to what extent I really don't think even my husband grasps. And I KNOW only I can fix it. But I make excuses, have all my life. I don't have time to work out and no one to do it with, hubby eats anything he wants, any time of day.... Then we go to Fuddruckers and he tells me if I get a salad when I could have one of the best burgers in this town, he'll beat me like a redheaded step child. He knows I love their burgers, and he's right, I'd sit there and pout all through dinner if I had to watch him eat one. But the real problem is, I don't stop there. I need to throw in their awesome fries smothered in melted cheddar cheese *drooling* Then we pass Duncan Donuts on the way home..... have you had one of their caramel coffee drinks? They're the shiznit!! Already destroyed the day, so why not? Then I get home, strip for the shower, look at my body in the mirror and ball! Not shed a tear, I mean like gasping for breath, buckled over in the shower crying.

I wish more then anything I had a girlfriend here that would challenge me. Go to the gym and set a similar diet plan. Problem is, I don't know many girls here. That's the catch with moving to another state and running your own business where you don't have employees your age, even customers our age! It's really hard to make friends.... and without one constantly riding my ass, I have absolutely NO will power on my own. None. With anything. That's why I quit smoking, then start again, then quit, then start......

When I was growing up I developed a lot sooner then the other girls. I remember being the only one in the 4th grade with boobs. So I tried to cover them up with huge baggy clothes. But then, rather then appearing developed, I just looked fat! My loving brother and the neighbor guy began calling me Pumba the pig, and sadly it stuck. All through junior high. Guys sticking Pumba stickers to my locker and leaving notes with crude drawings on my desks. So when I got into the 9th grade, I decided I was gonna be proud of what I've got and changed my wardrobe. Starting wearing clothes that fit and putting on a little make up. Next thing I know all these guys that had NEVER looked my way before were treating me like a 'friend.' A whole new group of people were asking me to hang out on the weekends and being nice to me in the hallways. I went to 4 Senior Proms! Now this SHOULD have cheered me up. But instead it backfired. The ONLY thing that changed, was what I was wearing.......So now I'm thinking the only reason they like me is because of my body. Why couldn't we be friends when I was 'Pumba?'

From there I didn't know what to do. I didn't want friends that were so superficial. But now that they had given me a chance and we've gotten to know each other, they found they actually like ME.... so maybe I just needed an ice breaker and I didn't want to loose them..... ya know? Like a horrid catch 22.

Dating a total jerk through college didn't help matters much either. He knew that was a soft spot, so when he was angry with me (which was about every other hour, when he was drinking, when he was sober, when his buddies were around, when we were alone......) that would be the first thing he would slight me on. Got me to the point where I seriously considered bulimia. I could never be anorexic, I LOVE FOOD!! But throwing up is one of the worst feelings in the world, and considering doing it on purpose.......... *shaking head*

I really don't know how to beat this. Learn will power I suppose. Or pray for butt loads of money for Liposuction :) Honestly though, the damage is in my head more so then my body. Not claiming I'm delusional!! I'm like 20 lbs overweight for my height! I NEED to diet and work out. But I fear even if I did get to the ideal size..... I'd still cry in the shower. Kids are cruel and have no idea the kind of damage their words and actions can cause.