Thanksgiving

What a beautifully exhausting day. *sigh* I don't think I have ever missed my mother so much in all my life! We woke late and I still had tons to do before driving an hour to my brother's house. We arrived a half hour late which threw off my entire day. And if you know anything about me you can imagine how happy I was about that. {insert grr face} My sister in-law recently had hip surgery so I knew she wouldn't be any help, but the boys were a huge let down today. On my own entirely (including prep at home) I prepared one HELL of a glorious meal! Turkey, homemade gravy, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, peas (Chad *rolling eyes*), stuffing, croissants, chocolate eclairs, two pumpkin pies, Chocolate hazelnut brownie bites, cinnamon rolls and two gallons of punch. All (exception croissants) were made from scratch, fresh ingredients Everything. From the herbs to the beans, even squeezed my own lemons and oranges into the punch! .............And it was delicious :) Not just blowing sunshine up my own ass, it seriously was spectacular and I'm rather proud of myself.

<- My bird :)

I didn't expect much, if any, help preparing the meal but thought for sure I'd have help packing the leftovers... Breaking down the turkey, finding tupperware, a 'who eats dark meat' sorta thing...... *sigh* My brother did tell me to leave every dish in (on, over) the sink and he would take care of them. But that's because we called Momma Bear on speaker and she told him it was the least he could do. (Love her!)

After a huge meal we left them to nap and went to my girl, Holly's house to attempt to eat another meal with her family. My sweet potatoes (Boston Market's copycat recipe) were a huge hit all around and the kids loved the desserts... which pleases me. I love when kids tell me I'm awesome :)

We put the kids down and shared some wine Robert's uncle made. Then the neighbor lady stopped by, sloppy drunk. She kissed the top of my head before leaving, telling me she could "just watch me for hours" cuz I'm adorable.... Which was definitely one of the creepier moments in my life. Especially when the boys offered to get me a wheel and a dribble bottle.

All in all a good day. But I really did find myself missing the rents a lot harder than I thought I would. And not just cause mom would be a HUGE help in the kitchen.... There are just some days I really miss their faces and this was one of those days. I WILL be home for Christmas though!!!!! She's just gonna love the menu <-(sarcasm) Since we've been alone for the Holidays the past few years I've treated my man with some pretty elaborate meals. And now we've created a sort of tradition - Christmas eve, Venison steak in red wine chocolate sauce. Christmas day - Beef Wellington. Chad has fallen madly in love with my Wellington and refuses to spend a Christmas without her.. (yes, he calls it 'her'. Guess that's what they do when they're in love) But I'm certain my parents have never even tried it before.... Sooooo maybe we'll repeat this amazing bird then too. It's Ramsey's recipe! (I'm a total recipe stealer... I'll post the link so you can be too) I'm telling you, it was the best poultry I've had in this lifetime and those who shared it agree with me. And the gravy!!! LORD the gravy! Very highly recommend giving it a go.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5PFXhdfVT8

Early Goodbye's

(yesterday)

My landlord stopped over. We bs-ed for a bit, then he says how he's tried to 'help like family' while we've been here, he would love to carry our work once we're closed and if there's anything else he could do...... It was touching and rather sad. He said he'd miss us and I'll miss him too. And his wife, their son, grandson and that cute little dog!!

Then Candy man's wife comes over. Asks if the rumors are true and we're really leaving. I confirmed that for her and she pouted, told me how beautiful our work is and how much we'll be missed. Then as she walks out her husband, Candyman in the flesh *grins* comes in and hardly says a word. He's usually pretty chatty, but this time it was a lot of long pauses. Awkward silence. He too expressed he's not happy we're leaving. Thanked me for all the little things we've done (fixing his door, the electrical issues, being there for them when he was robbed, the trades/barters..) Said we'll be greatly missed.

Now I'm starting to get bummed!!!! ... Just as 'Chatters', what I call the lady artist out back, peeks in to tell me they're leaving to set up a show that runs through the 2nd of December, so this is goodbye. Her Frenchman husband then stops to say goodbye in his super cool accent and she gets tears in her eyes, thanking me, again, for helping her son find a job and taking her around when their car broke down and little shit like carrying stuff to her car and lending a drill.... I now realize these people are REALLY torn up over this! A lot more than I am!! I knew they'd miss us but... Damn. I guess I've been looking at all the bright outcomes that could manifest from this decision, not so much what I'm leaving behind.............. At least that was until carver Chris walked in. The one 'goodbye' I was expecting today.....


(me first)
So how was your trip?
Good. Made some money. Got laid. Didn't get arrested.. Hungry?
Starved.
Yours?
Fantastic! Spent too much money. Saw all my favorite people.. Didn't get arrested.
Your girlfriend's cute. I liked the photo.
She is! Oh I love her so....
Think she'd let me draw her naked?
No... And before you ask, I won't either.
Damn! .... I'm gonna miss you Little Bit.
I'll miss you too, Chris. But it's not like I'll never see you again. We'll be around.
No. No you won't. And even if you are, I'd almost rather never see you again.
Why on earth would you say that?!
The same reason I have friends from long ago I never want to see again. My very best friends that still, to this day, mean the world to me.
It would never be the same....
Exactly. Now I have all those perfect memories of them that I get to keep with me and hold onto... If I saw them again they would be different. And they might remind me of the little things maybe I didn't necessarily like about them. Those things I have forgotten by now. I have 'memories' that even I know aren't exactly how those moments played out. But that's how I choose to remember them.
Like selective memories. I tell my brother he's done that with his ex. He remembers her as being so perfect but has forgotten all the times she broke his heart.
Exactly...... Have you ever shared a moment with someone that was just so perfect that right there in that moment you heard yourself say, "Nothing will ever be this perfect again. I'll remember this moment forever." Something brief. Insignificant almost.....
Handing this guy his pen back....
Okay. Why?
*sigh* Because I thought I saw in his eyes that he wanted me to stay....... So I left.
Why?
Because I wanted that to be the last thing I saw.
To keep it with you. That perfect moment.
Right.
And you've seen him since. Has that ever returned?
No.
So now don't you wish that was the last time you saw him?
No.
Why not?
Because, though it will never be the same, I would rather make new memories then cling to one brief instance that I don't even know was real.
I suppose that's where you and I differ then.
So have you and I shared a moment that was unforgettable?
Oh plenty!
Well if you would have walked away after the first, then the others never would have happened..... Wouldn't you rather have shared the multitude than one brief instance?
Yes, but I see you most every day. It's different when time passes.... I think you've missed my point.
I think I'm making excuses for you to find reason to see us again! I don't want this to be goodbye.
It's not. I'll be back from Florida the 28th. We'll spend the 29th together. I won't be here the 30th. I can't watch you guys move everything out of the shop. I've shed enough tears in your presence....... Think I'll spend that day at home remembering the times we've all shared in my own way.
Creating your selective memories.
Right.
So what are you blocking out? What little things do I do that piss you off?
Well.... for instance this piece of shit you're working on here. What the hell is this supposed to be?
It's an A-frame! In the woods.. by a lake... you're cruel.
No, I'm honest. It looks like shit and you need to start over. You're basing your design off a simple, 3 color, image and you went and detailed the hell out of it! It's muddied because you're trying too hard ............and you can tell you don't really care.
It does look sorta dreadful, huh?
Terrible. Start over and take your mind out of it. Just let the brush do the work and don't over think it. You over think everything.
I'll miss your brutal honesty.
No you won't.
Yaaaaa, not so much.
I'll miss your robotic structure... Your efficiency.
Ha! The lady ringing my groceries yesterday told me I was the most efficient transaction of the day even considering I had the most items. I put heavy shit in front, then boxes, deli, breads...
Nothing half assed. Everything complicated.
Not complicated! ... Efficient. :-P But speaking of complicated, you promised to share your poem before you left. Guess now is as good a time as any......
*eh heh hem*
Some say I've lost my mind.
Shadows in the darkness. Seeing but I'm blind.
Always.
Always looking behind.
Am I running to or from
An illusion of reality in my head.
What if I wake, to find that I am dead?

-long pause-

But aren't you killing yourself slowly by living this way?
.........I see it too. *tear* I'm leaving now. Don't you dare say goodbye to me. I'll see you the 29th... Love you Little Bit.
Love you too, Chris.


As I was closing up shop that guy I went off about on FB (the mooch that calls Chad my "boyfriend") came by. Said he was kicked out of where he was staying so he's heading to Alabama. He started to get emotional too and told us we are the only people he's met in this town over the past 2 1/2 years that he's gonna miss. (And I can't freaking stand the guy!! We high fived when he left!) But we were kind to him and let him be HIM even though he drove us nuts. And that's all people really want.. A little respect. "Res-pect, find out what it means-" /sorry

I still have John and Billy to let go of :( I'll miss them so very much.. Also goodbye's need said to Sandy, Fred and Reba, Ed, Dick, the girls at the leather shop and the crazy jewelry guy..... *sigh* I wasn't prepared for this yet. I'm overwhelmed now and what has been so exciting for me .....sorta sucks :'(

Since I've been home..

We met this hippie guy who talks a lot like I do.... Like in circles with random heavy words that just confuse people. (He won me over with 'proliferating') He's had a store in the Mountain Mall on the main strip for 18 years. Just closed the doors. Which proves to me that we're making the right decision in closing up shop. We discussed doing shows together because his work and ours compliment each other so well. And he taught me that 9 mile canyon in Utah is actually about 30 miles long... I realize that's random, but a cool little factoid.
I met his wife for a brief moment too. She's very lovely. And she makes these Alice in Wonderland chess sets that are so BadAss I can't even begin to describe them with any justice. And they have the most beautiful baby girl............ *sigh*
She invited us to this little "art swap" they host. It's sorta 'dirty Santa' where you draw a number and choose what you want, then those after you have the opportunity to steal what you chose.. I'm so down with that! A night around a campfire, moonshine, like minded company, art.... I'm in!

I know I said my head was straight, but I still find myself caught up in Chad's complete lack of ambition, attention span of a toddler, and total disregard for responsibility. I love him. Good God I love him!! But we had another "fight". Which plays out like this; I state why I'm pissed, he apologizes (barely listening) with no intention of changing anything, we don't speak for awhile then let it fade away.... No resolve. Ever. Something nearly identical will happen again tomorrow and I get to chose whether or not it's worth complaining about or just let it go... I don't ask for much, just a little help. Taking a box (I had previously packed) to the store before I get home isn't too much to ask over the course of FIVE DAYS.... He took the time to walk it from the front door to the back room, but not to the car. 'Cause he "forgot what I wanted him to do with it" I reminded him more than once before I left, stuck a f#@^*$g post-it to the top of the box!!!!! And sat it by the front door......... It's like he doesn't even try to be creative with his excuses anymore. He just doesn't listen or make any attempt to contribute. Just does whatever the hell he wants with complete disregard.
Now, I have friends all over this beautiful country with "real" problems. Spouses cheating, with addictions, going through rehab, abusing them, leaving them in the middle of the night.. And I'm complaining aboooouut... what? I know this, yet I can't shake this depression and this anger and can't for the life of me find my smile here anymore...
The other day a man said to me, "You're waaay too easy to get along with." And you know, he's right! On a much deeper level than he even realizes.... I'm a total push over. I recognize this as a huge personality flaw.. But of all people you would think my husband wouldn't take advantage of that....

Other than that, same ol' same. Someone called me "Darlin'" in the most sarcastic manner yesterday and that made me smile at random points throughout the evening.... Which was nice. And I'm missing my friends!!! Our inside jokes, their smiles and the way they wrap me up in their arms like I'm so precious to them <3 I can't remember the last time I was held as much as I was last week.... It was so nice to feel love. I have the greatest friends on earth! And I know I'd be a lot happier if I were able to be closer to them. I only hate Tennessee when I think of them. *sigh* Which is all the time..... And now I'll leave you with a very true statement from one of the greatest television shows ever. (I think a lot of people I know could learn something from this): "Emotions get in the way of judgment.. You ascribed meaning to something that wasn't there. You saw what you wanted to see. You believed what you wanted to believe. Because that's what your emotions do... They fool your perception as to what is real." - Fringe, Observer 

Latest trip

Hi!! I haven't written on this thing in over a year! Not sure anyone will even see this considering, and don't care... I read where my head space was this time last year and it's depressing. Almost hid it all.. but figured most of you have already read it. My inspiration to write here again was my visit to Pittsburgh/Ohio. I want to keep it with me and don't mind that it's public.. at least the parts I'm willing to share. The intimate details will go in my journal. But know I behaved entirely and have nothing to hide.
This trip home was amazing! Spent some much needed one on one time with my very best friends. I didn't even call the others, just those closest to me. My girlfriend, my cousin, high school bff, college roommate, polar opposite, and my bodyguard. And to top it off I took 3 of them to see the 4 guys who have kept me going over the past year. My inspiration to carry on. And they had a great time!! It was a hell of a night, regardless the fact that it was a short set after a long wait and possibly the weakest set I've seen thus far. I had one horrible moment where I was scared out of my mind and angry with a choice I made. But nothing terrible really happened and I handled my own. Which made me very proud of myself. So in an awkward way I'm happy I experienced it. The rest... A morning alone with Jamie, a night out with my bodyguard and my girls, an evening with Jess, another with Heather, dinner with JayBird, intervals with Poppa Bear, and up till 6am just talking with Naarnan... That's about all I could have asked for right now. I think each one of them told me how much they needed me right now. Which felt so good considering how much I needed them. Life away from those who complete you can be so hard at times.. But now my mind is back on track and I feel I know exactly what I need to do...

Quotes from the week that will forever make me smile:
"She told Sara to watch out for YOU 'cause you're crazy." - Crystal
"You're a good kid, LB... I mean that." - Poppa Harris
"Ya-yA-uh" - Sorry Charlie
"Soooo here are your options: I buy it for you now, OR, I buy it for you anyway and make you wait till Christmas." - VJF
"Like a tatTooOoo" - my girlfriend <3
"If only I could devise a way to look into his eyes, make love to his soul, converse with him, and become his whole world... Together, the perfect man." - myself
"That smell? ..Smells to me like Old Spice and Axe." - Jamers
"This place is called, 'the center of the world'... You could call any place on earth, 'the center of the world'.. still doesn't make it special." - Mother Trucker
"..for example, this bitch cuts me off, so I stick my head out the window and shout, "I hope you gain ten pounds!!   .... All on your face!" - Naarnan